Food Glorious? Food a.k.a. All Things Erky

   Most people say I have a strange palate. My husband will go so far as to say I am un-American and call me a Communist. This is because I strongly dislike, loathe and despise most 'all American' foods. Hamburgers and hot dogs- yuck! As a rule I cannot tolerate red meat in general. I will not partake of ground beef, steak, or ribs, let alone ground-up, mish-mashed miscellaneous cow and/or chicken and pork parts. And anything that is on a bone is a 'Do Not Pass Go!' Do not, in fact, attempt to step near Go. Really, when you get right down to it, avoid Go like the plague- you WILL be turned away at the door.

   Hostess Twinkies and apple pie- double yuck!! I can't stand apples or anything made from them including, but not limited to, pies, ciders, juices, jellies and sauces. And I refuse to eat Twinkies on the grounds that they and the roaches are the only two things likely to survive a nuclear attack. I'll pass on both, thanks.

   Peanut butter and caramel- ewwwwww!! Oh my God! I want to do a 'Yuck! Yuck! Yucky!!' dance just at the thought of it. (For those of you interested- those of you who are not, look away- this dance is similar to the 'Chicken Dance,' though with much more extreme flapping and at a far more frantic pace.) I detest even the smell of peanut butter, it makes me nauseous. And the flavor of caramel revolts me as much as the stickiness. I don’t get the whole sticky thing. Why do you want to deliberately consume something that sticks not only to your fingers (ew!), but also to the roof of your mouth and your teeth? I can't stand it! I won't eat anything sticky- no caramels, marshmallows, taffy, or peanut butter. Nope. I take a big old happy PASS on the sticky.

   If you have been paying attention, you have come to realize that for me, the caramel apple with nuts is the epitome of all that is unholy. It is one of many torture devices utilized by Beelzebub in the seventh level of hell. No need for it here on Earth. Just saying.

   Instead, my palate is more herbivore than carnivore. Rarely have I met a vegetable that I didn't like.  You name it, Brussels sprouts to collard greens, turnips to parsnips, peas, beans and corn, I like them all. Even the strange ones that most people don't know what they are. I was raised on kohlrabi. For this (and many other reasons, I have no doubt) people think that I'm weird.

   Hmmmmm… Really?

   I think it's far weirder that my son will pry open little oyster shells to get to that dubious ball of nasty goo inside and slurp it down. Errggghhh, YAK!!! Or that my step-daughter (who has an adventurous palate), is not at all put off by the cannibalistic nature of ingesting crawfish, gleefully breaking their wee little necks and sucking their brains out of their cranial cavities… Mmhmm good! Forget the biscuits, Alton, that's good eats!

   Recently, my step-daughter and I had a conversation regarding her need to find a French restaurant. The reason? She was craving snails. What?! Hold the phone there, missy! WHO, I ask you, WHO, in the name of all that is holy, craves snails?? She went on to say, that if she could get hold of some 'prepared' snails she would be glad to make them herself, but she couldn't think where to find a specialty market around here for such things.

   'Prepared snails.' Prepared snails? Now my head is filled with jolly cartoonish pictures of happy little snails cavorting (do snails cavort?) around with petite knapsacks on their shells filled with all sorts of paraphernalia, such as teensy little compasses, microscopic bottles of water, infinitesimal rolls of duct tape, and diminutive Swiss Army knives - what you've got there is a prepared snail! That boy is READY for action!!

   So stupidly, I asked, "Exactly how do you prepare a snail for eating?" Of course, I was thinking: Do you give him a stern lecture? Is this something that requires a little heart to heart with the snail, such as: 'Hey, buddy, now I know this is gonna be tough on you, but you gotta brace yourself…" Is this a 'last rites' kind of thing? What exactly is going on here?

   The response was quick and decisive: You have to de-snot the snails.

   Erk.

   What?

   De-snot the snails.

   Erk.  'De-snot the snails.' In order to eat them.

   I'm sorry. If the word 'de-snot' is involved anywhere in the process of my food prep, I am NOT eating it.

   Thanks, I'll stick to carrots. All I gotta do is peel those bad boys and I am good to go…

Misadventures in the Great Outdoors a.k.a. Dude, Where's My Trail? a.k.a. Spider Saga

   I have three passions in life, reading, writing, and walking. More specifically, hiking. Lately, I have been afforded the ability to pursue the first two, but the latter has been more difficult to arrange. I walk for fun- weird I know. But I always have. It was something I got used to as a child when my family could not afford the luxury of owning a car. I was also blessed in that I had a grandmother whose favorite pastime was walking in the woods- it was a weekend activity that occurred in the winter, spring, summer and fall. And I loved every minute of it.

   Finally after years of limiting my walks to parks, neighborhoods and my own backyard, I had the opportunity to go hiking with my son and a friend. It was a small park- we were aware we weren't heading to Yellowstone- however we were determined to be prepared for a whole day of hiking. We were intending to spend anywhere from eight to ten hours and for this reason we planned ahead. We had one pack filled with bottled water, as well as my son's CamelBak and a third pack filled with protein bars, soy nuts, wasabi mix, and sunflower seeds. If we had gotten lost, we had enough to survive at least three days before being forced to resort to Donner party methods. Given that the highway was never more than two miles away at any given point in the park, the chance of that happening was next to nil. Still, we were prepared. (My son had gone so far as to pack two additional pairs of socks so that he might change every few hours in order to prevent blisters.)

   My friend- I shall call her The Navigator for reasons which will soon become obvious- arrived on time for our nine AM departure. And then we waited for my son, a young man who will without a doubt arrive fifteen minutes after his own funeral begins. So we sat. And we waited. And we looked at the clock. And we waited some more.

   When he finally arrived, he was decked out like Indiana Jones (which works, I suppose, since we do in fact live in Indiana) sans the whip. In its place there was instead, a hatchet. Not kidding. A hatchet. Now I am not certain if he thought we were headed into the wilds of some foreign and long forgotten jungle, or if he intended to kill me while we were out there and he had a convenient place to hide the body- I have no doubt my children have dreamed of this on more than one occasion- in fact I am so certain of this, that if my daughter had been on this trip as well, I would have made some excuse and bailed out immediately. Just saying.

   And so we finally headed out and arrived at our destination within the hour. Now, I must say, this is the first point at which The Navigator failed us. After turning into the park (thank goodness for the sign or I might still be driving up and down highway 24 looking for the park that The Navigator knew all about…), I drove down several narrow roads asking The Navigator where there was parking. At this point, The Navigator informed us that it had indeed been some time since she had been in this particular park and she was really not all that familiar with it.

   Yay adventure!

   We found parking (with no help from The Navigator I might add, although in all fairness I must report that I drove past it and didn't even notice it until Indiana Hatchet pointed it out; and this is why I was not The Navigator). I parked my car and loaded down with roughly fifteen pounds of gear split between us, we struck out on our first trail. Each time we reached a fork in the trail we waited while The Navigator consulted the map. Oftentimes upside-down. This should have been our next clue. Her success was, shall we say, limited. Varying. Mixed. Like nuts.

   We followed the trail and it didn't take long to discover that the spiders- for arbitrary reasons known only to them, consistently, insistently, nonsensically, strung their webs across the trails. Every two feet or so, whoever was first in line would face plant into an icky, sticky web. If we were lucky, no one was home. If not, we found ourselves littered with dead bugs and one very live, very agitated spider. Never fun for anyone. Except maybe the second in line who always got a first rate view of the action. Suddenly, whoever was in front would start to dance a frantic jig, waving their hands wildly and shaking every part of their body like they were suffering from the D.T.'s. It was awesome. Ahhh nature.

   It didn't take long to realize that the best course of action was for the person that was leading the way to carry a forked stick, waving it like a magic wand before them as they went. Which brings me to two thoughts: first- all this time we thought divining rods were used to find water- nope! - we were wrong!- they weren't looking for water- they were wiping away spider webs; and second- if this had been Massachusetts in 1692, we would all have been hanged- waving our de-webbing wands the way we were, we could easily be construed as conjuring some kind of wiccan magic. Of course, the only hocus pocus we were conjuring was the famous 'Spiders Begone!' spell. Or 'Eradicating Arachnids.' You choose.

   Anyway, aside from the spiders, we couldn't complain. The weather was perfect, the woods were pretty, and we were in good, if oddball, company. So if I sneezed a bit (allergy season is at its peak for me), I was okay with it. I was taking strong enough allergy medicine to compensate for the pollen in the air. All was well.

   It didn’t take long to discover the map was- among other things- inadequate and inaccurate. So much so, that it took about two hours for The Navigator to discover that the black squiggly lines indicated smaller side trails that branched off the main trail- which I will take this moment to point out encompassed roughly eighty percent of our hiking. In layman's terms, we had spent most of our time walking the black squiggly lines unbeknownst to The Navigator.

   That struggle aside, we were unconcerned. As I said, it wasn't ever likely we would get lost, just likely that we would stumble upon a sight-seeing opportunity depicted on the map while thinking we were on the opposite side of the park. After a bit of walking, we crossed over a wooden bridge. After a while longer, we crossed over another wooden bridge. After even more walking, we crossed over a third wooden bridge. Either we were walking in circles, or that bridge was following us.

   Eventually we came upon another bridge- a green metal one this time- ah ha! we had finally shaken the wooden bridge! - and a biker was sitting there consulting his own map. Turns out, he was having as much trouble with the map as The Navigator. According to his tale of woe, he had ridden in circles three times in an attempt to find the waterfall shown on the map. We were of little help to him and he finally gave up and rode off.

   We took a right off the bridge and walked roughly twenty yards and voila! There was the waterfall. Oops!

   Honestly, he wasn't missing much anyway. When I think waterfall, I think giant, massive rock face with hoards of water cascading heavily over the side. What I got was roughly a fifteen foot rock with buckets of water slipping over the side. It was tiny. It was the little brother of waterfalls. The tiny, baby, newborn, infant brother. Disappointing.

   This was also a dead end, so we returned to the green bridge and consulted the map some more. What to do? Stay on the main trail, which according to the map was going to take us out of the woods and onto the road before us, past a large playground, through an asphalt parking area, before it headed back into the woods, or head back the way we had come and rejoice in the nature we had come to see. We opted to rejoice. We returned along the same trail and eventually found ourselves back at the car which thankfully was parked near a bathroom. Indiana Hatchet was able to take care of business off trail, but The Navigator and I were not so eager. We'd seen enough spiders to know we didn't want to drop our pants anywhere.

   This also afforded me the time to scavenge in my car for much-needed napkins and tissues. My overflowing sinuses had in the last hour turned the faucets on full blast. My sneezing had increased exponentially and in all of our preparations, I had failed to prepare for this. All three packs were completely bereft of any piece of cloth that I might use to wipe or blow, save for Indiana Hatchet's dirty socks, which I hadn't gotten quite desperate enough to use. I had sniffed and snorted so much I was in fear of sucking my own eyeballs into my brain. In short, I was miserable.

   After filling up on water and partaking of the multitude of munchies we had to choose from, not to mention several rounds of emptying my sinuses, we decided to head back and try to hit some of the smaller trails we had missed. How we thought we were going to accomplish this was anyone's guess. So far the map had not been our friend. It had in fact proven that it was the enemy. It hated us and was out to get us. Why were we trusting it now? But hey, we were only three hours in and we had all day.

   After tackling two trails which were a complete disappointment because what looked as if it might be a mile or so on the map actually turned out to be roughly three hundred feet of hiking fun- whoopty-doo- we decided to go off-trail. Indiana Hatchet broke the way- hey, he had the hatchet, it's only fair- and The Navigator and I followed. That was the most fun we had in the day. We clambered up hills, climbed rocks, wedged between trees, picked our way across brooks, balanced on logs (one that broke) and slid down hills that were practically perpendicular. It was like being five again. And amazingly, no one got hurt.

   Eventually my sneezing, which was punctuating the quiet wilderness with machine-gun regularity, startling away any and all wildlife (with the exception of the spiders), put an end to our activities. I was out of tissues and refused to resort to the socks. I am however happy to report that I finally found a good use for the map. Revenge is sweet.

Simplification Complications a.k.a. American I-don't a.k.a. Fingers- They're Not Just for Counting Anymore!

   Before beginning the business of blogging, there are a few matters of business I need to discuss.

   1) I apologize for the lateness of this blog, but before you begin stoning me, allow me to remind you that I was ahead of the game after posting several blogs back to back- that should have bought me some time, right? Okay, maybe not as much time as I took, but still, life got a little busy for a minute.

   2) The truth is, aside from life in general, I also got a little side-tracked with my latest book- which I was obsessed with as it was coming to me faster than I could type- that kind of thing rarely ever happens and you don't mess with writing mojo- when you got it, run with it. The book is already finished and entering the editing process- woohoo!! And a heads up for my fans- should be published within the next month or so- and -drum roll please- will be Free!! (Does that unruffle any of your feathers?) It was so much fun to write (especially after such a heavy venture as The Dradon Project) and is the complete antithesis of that book. It's fun and funny, snarky and sarcastic- everything I enjoy in a book!! I will keep you updated as to its release date.

   3) (I'm almost done I promise.) I have begun receiving many reviews on my book and short stories (especially on B&N), and they have been good (thank you God!!). Average of three stars- naturally I would love more, but as some of the same folks have lambasted other writers in their reviews- I will take the stars and run with them. (Very far, and very fast.) My only objection to any critiques is when a) I am criticized for the page number of a book- the number is determined ONLY by the font size in which you download the book and therefore I have no control over it- in other words: if you can see a gnat on a bird's tail feathers five miles away, you're font size is likely to be tiny and therefore the number of pages is going to be 25; and if you are blind as a bat (like me) and your font size looks as if you are reading a pre-school story book, you're gonna end up with 100 pages. That's how it works. And b) if you are going to take the time to criticize my work, please use a spell check. There are no z's in the word 'surprise.'

   4) And finally, all of my published books and short stories are now available in the Apple Store, B&N, and several other e-book venues. Amazon is the only major vendor who still hasn't gotten on board- for some unknown reason? Anyone with a Kindle is advised to go straight to Smashwords for the download.

   Okay, onto the business of blogging!

   Deck the halls with bags and bookses, fa la la lala, lala la la. Don't give teacher dirty lookses, fa la la lala, lala la la! I feel compelled to begin the blog in this manner because there are two subjects I wish to discuss- college and choir.

   Regarding college- 'tis the season. Back to school fever and all that. For most students, school started within the last week or so. And it's not hard to tell when I take a gander at FB. A number of my FB pals are college students and with school having just begun, the complaints about homework have blossomed like weeds in my garden- innumerably. My heart goes out to them, it truly, truly does. I am not a person without pity, I can sympathize, but I do not wish to empathize. However, they insist upon sharing, too much, and feel the need to post not just comments, but actual examples, of some of their homework. Personally, I think, that's cruel and unusual punishment for a little old bystander like me. One example seen yesterday:

8{[3(m-4)+18]-[3(5m-2)+5]}=

(Simplify your answer.)

   Now, I can think of a thousand and one ways to simplify that answer, but none that would net me a passing grade. The first that comes to mind is a good old-fashioned eraser- blank paper is far simpler than paper decorated with all those mathematical thing-a-ma-doozies. Just saying. Then there's the ever-popular burning your math book method, though with today's homework being all computerized this would not be an economical alternative. Or, the change the math equation into an entirely different one technique- such as: 1+1=. You can't get any more simplified than that. Of course, there's the less popular, brain-melting- actually do it the right darn way option. I never recommend that.

   You there! The smarty-pants that is even now working out this mathematical equation in order to solve the problem and leave the answer in my comments box- get off my blog! I won't hold for any mathematical hi-jinks around here- be gone ye hideous beastie!

   My point is- I am so very sorry that your brain is turning inside out with all this gibberish- but why would you wish to liquefy mine? What have I ever done to you? I have complained before about the FB posts intended to save the world- because everyone knows if you just repost that picture little Suzie will get the artificial leg she's always needed and Johnny's cancer will clear up overnight. I have trudged through screens and screens of politics, religion and countless cute kitty pictures. But this- this horror! This has to be stopped! It's a call to arms folks- who's with me?! Deter Unnecessary Number Calculations Everywhere!!! (For those of you who excel more at the mathematical arts than the language arts, allow me to just point out that the acronym here is DUNCE…)

   Okay, rant over, but holding the rights to revisit it in the future.

   The reason so many of my FB friends are college students, is that (as I have mentioned at least once in this blog), my children talked me into joining the community choir that they are members of. (It is a decision that they may have already come to regret, but bless their pea-pickin' hearts, if this is true, they have yet to express the sentiment.)

   In all honesty, it didn't take much arm twisting. I thoroughly enjoy choir, for any number of reasons. The first- and most obvious- I love to sing. I have spent my entire life singing- at the top of my lungs, gleefully, joyfully, and with as much gusto and verve as any one human being can muster. Enthusiasm, however, should not be confused with talent. Above all else, we must remember that. I am in no danger of becoming the next American Idol, or The Voice. More along the lines of American I-don't and The Vice…

   I am not what you could call pitch-perfect. I am pitch-inconsistent. But I have no shame, and so, I still sing with gusto. Surrounded, as I am, by so much talent, you would think that I would feel some shame, but I do not. I admire the talent of so many people in the choir; I sometimes even envy their talent, but I am rarely troubled that I do not share their talent. I do my best, following along reading the music (another talent which I do not possess), looking like a five year old tackling her first I Can Read book, with my fingertip underscoring each and every note. Oftentimes I have to ask my son or someone else to translate some musical squiggle- each and every one of which have not only a proper name but- surprise! Who knew?- a purpose. So far, luckily, everyone has been generous with me, taking the time to explain it all. It's sort of the algebra of music, if you will. At least to me.

   Aside from their talent, these people are fun! More often than not, after choir, a good portion of the choir members will meet for a late dinner somewhere and madness ensues. Well, not necessarily madness, but it usually is a good time.

   I have a tendency towards attention deficit- shiny penny- did I turn off the stove?- I wonder what we're doing tomorrow- oooohhh salsa!- disorder. For that reason, I often find it difficult to stay focused on the conversation that is actually being directed at me, and my brain- left to its own devices- starts to wander, and before long my ears follow. Tidbits of conversations come to me, usually at the worst (or best, depending on how you look at it) possible moments. Last night was no different.

   Among other things, I was privy to a gummy worm conversation (that was too disturbing to repeat here- hey- it's not that kind of blog!), kleptomaniacal sopranos (they weren't really, but rumor has it that they were accused of stealing chairs- who steals chairs??- which of course had me envisioning a bunch of Brünnhilde's with folding chairs rammed into their bulging cleavages), which brings me to the next conversation. What I heard was- 'Seriously! I can only fit four fingers from my collar bone to my cleavage.' If that sentence doesn't perk up your ears, nothing ever will. This came from our resident Brünnhilde, a girl whose range extends from tenor to first soprano- with ease. Yeah, I'm a little envious. I myself am a tenor, and sometimes I find myself stretching to keep up with my fellow tenors, but once I hit alto, I am toast about mid-range. Her kind of range is impressive. Freaky. Weird. She's not human. Anyway, for the sake of the conversation, I shall call her, B.

   Naturally, I interjected myself into the conversation (uninvited, as I always do- it's part of my charm).

   Me: You what?!

   B: Look, (she demonstrates, turning her hand sideways and laying it on her chest, just beneath her clavicle) I can only fit four fingers between my collar bone and my cleavage.

   Me: And this is bad how? Just wait, time will catch up with you. At my age, if not assisted by a well-supporting bra, you can lay about fourteen hands between them. I step out of the shower and see myself in the mirror and think, 'Who let Yzma in here?' (That's a reference from my all time favorite Disney movie, The Emperor's New Groove. The character Yzma's bosom is roughly in the same vicinity as her waist- apparently the Inca's didn't invent Maiden Form.)

   B: I just have this weird stature where everything on my body is placed unnaturally close together. Look at my face; my eyes, nose and mouth are really close together too. (Again she used her hand for measurement, but honestly, I was so baffled that I can't remember the measurement for that one- it was something to do with a circle- like maybe her whole face fit in the circle created by her hands- I don't know. I mean, honestly, who among us has measured their body parts with their fingers- don't get dirty on me- that's not what I mean.)

   B:  And look- I only have a three-finger forehead! (This time she measured the distance from her hairline to her eyebrows.)

   It didn't take long for us all to degenerate into the world of measuring our cleavages and faces and foreheads with our fingers. (My son, who is prematurely balding the poor guy- he got it from my side of the family- won the forehead competition hands down- no pun intended- but it did make me giggle.)

   As one choir member pointed out- we were actually entertaining ourselves by dissecting our bodies- and it must have looked bizarre to anyone in the restaurant that could see us. We all looked like we were striking poses Madonna had never considered. It was like a Friends episode gone wrong.

   And finger-measuring? Really? This is the accuracy we get from college students who can simplify 8{[3(m-4)+18]-[3(5m-2)+5]}=?

   First day of school, and already their brains have melted…

Correction a.k.a. The Grinch Who Unwrapped Christmas a.k.a. Quasi-motive a.k.a. Claus and Effect

   Correction: I find that I must once again perform an apology before continuing with my ramble. I don't think my children realized when I began this blog, how often they would find themselves to be the 'star' of the show. I have already been brought to task, a.k.a. reminded sternly, a.k.a. lectured, regarding the 'Freaky Finger' blog that, 'It was NOT jammed, it was in fact broken in three places.' Naturally, I assumed that the comparison of said finger to a lightning bolt alluded to that fact since generally speaking something that goes from straight to accordion-shaped in the space of five seconds is usually broken; alas I was wrong. And so I stand corrected. The Freaky Finger was indeed mangled beyond repair, it never really quite healed from its breakage, and is now and forever a Freaky Finger (thus the name.)

   However, this error shall not slow me down because my children are what I consider excellent fodder for this blog (at least until they launch the first law suit whereupon I will have to reconsider my thinking and/or share in my millions [of pennies] but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it- if they don't push me off first- and honestly who could blame them?). Okay, so as I was saying, my children are excellent fodder because they are weird. They come by it honestly; they get it from me, so really I can't blame anyone but myself. I like to think of us as quirky, interesting and terribly entertaining; but most people just call us weird. Having said all of that, allow me to delve into the latest reminiscence (I know I am stuck…) that struck my brain at precisely two AM- really? Two? Could my brain have let me sleep a bit and THEN told me the tale. Apparently not, so this has been stewing about in my brain for the last six hours affording me very little sleep. In other words- if this sounds like pandemonium by the time I am done- it probably is- I've had no sleep and only a few sips of coffee. Best of luck keeping up!

   Moving on.

   It is a wonder- really it's a miracle- that my daughter celebrates Christmas at all in any form, because for her growing up, Christmas was a traumatic holiday akin to Halloween (I'm talking about the holiday AND the movie here!). Only one of my children can manifest such horrific fears over a perfectly innocuous holiday. But somehow she managed not only to develop a paranoia, but to hold onto it tightly with her chubby little hands (sans Freaky Finger) for nearly five years.

Allow me to explain ('cause you know I'm gonna!).

   Let's set the scene: Christmas circa 1992- daughter- beautiful, angelic (looking but not acting) baby girl with pretty blonde curls and adorably chubby cheeks- she looked like a cherub. Christmas tree stands majestically in the living room, twinkling lights abound, garland contrasts brightly against the green boughs, and heaps of presents littered the entire surrounding area. Two babies- son a few weeks shy of three, daughter- a few cards shy of a full deck- I mean two months shy of one year. Both babies' eyes are wide, son with anticipation, daughter with curiosity. Okay, everyone say it with me: AWWWWW!

   That's where the idyllic scene ends.

   Son and daughter are each handed a gift. Son immediately starts tearing in- he's ridden this particular bull before- he knows this will be the greatest eight seconds of his entire almost three year existence- until the next present that is.

   Daughter, upon witnessing the horror- oh the humanity of it!- of seeing her brother- a.k.a the Grinch- slash through the pretty paper- loses her ever-loving mind. She chucks her own gift as far away as she can get it, crab crawls across the living room where she then gives into hysteria- in the form of a screaming fit- for the next half an hour. Incidentally, that was exactly how long it took her brother to open all of his gifts as well as peruse what was in his stocking.

   Evidently, my daughter had thought the tree and all the packages with their pretty paper and shiny bows had become a permanent part of the home décor and was NOT on board with the removal of it- especially in so violent a manner.

   We spent the rest of the day attempting to coerce her into opening her gifts, which her brother finally did for her. But somehow, she blamed the toys. Those evil toys were at fault for this wanton destruction and she was making a stand. She was having NO part of them. For this reason, every single solitary toy- down to the last block- sat in a dejected pile in my living room for SIX months completely untouched by my daughter. In fact, her brother played with them for months after and she was only just beginning to allow some of them to integrate with the rest of her things in her toy box when the next Christmas rolled around. I am not exaggerating.

   Further, because as I have mentioned her birthday was only two months following Christmas, I received many panicked calls from friends and family wanting to know what they could possibly get her for this milestone birthday. Naturally I encouraged everyone to purchase clothing and to 'whatever you do' NOT wrap them. My daughter received more clothes than she could ever possibly use, all neatly 'wrapped' in grocery sacks. She was delighted.

   Okay, move ahead to next Christmas- surely she's gotten this under control by now- she's witnessed many a birthday and she has finally started playing with her toys from the year before- this will go much better right? Um, no. (But if you regularly read this blog you already knew that.)

   The child is nearing two when she celebrates her second Christmas and once again refuses to participate in opening any gifts, in the end capitulating enough to allow one of her aunts to do so for her. Not that it mattered, because aside from a stuffed bear that she took an instant liking to (no idea why, but this thing was her BUD), she would have nothing whatsoever to do with the rest of her things. I was beginning to consider a change in religion because obviously I was never going to experience one of those Currier and Ives moments with my youngest child…

   Ah, but alas there is sweet relief: firstly she deigned to play with these toys within about three months- we are making progress, and secondly on her birthday she opened gifts for the first time in her life- though she still tried to be gentle with the paper (as gentle as any two year old can be anyway).

So let's barge on ahead to Christmas #3. My daughter had spent the last year ogling and envying her two older cousins' Barbie dolls and there was nothing in the world she coveted more. She begged, pleaded and PRAYED for Barbie to find her way under the Christmas tree. And she did. Sort of.

   One of her aunts purchased a Barbie (sort of- I know I keep saying that- but you will understand) for her. My daughter was tearing away the paper in her creeping semi-gentle fashion when- OMG- what should peer out of the box but the round smiling face of Barbie herself. Now if she had been more than three, my daughter might have suspected something as Barbie was not blond. Instead, she sported midnight locks- the first clue to the fact that she is an imposter. But alas, my child only saw the face, became excited and began tearing the paper away in a more hurried fashion.

   I was in no way prepared for what happened next, I had no idea what was in the package. (After that I bought an x-ray machine and a metal detector in order to examine the packages more fully before handing them over to Ellen-eezer Scrooge. Okay, slight exaggeration, but you get the picture.) Anyway, this was 1994 and Disney's 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame' was all the rage, though my children hadn't seen it because a) they were too young to really understand it, and b) I am one of those mean moms that feels the subject matter- a.k.a. Esmeralda was a bit of a slut and the priest is on sexual over-drive- is not really meant for children. Maybe it's just me, but all the same, I had avoided that film. Singing gargoyles or not, I didn't think it was appropriate. The aunt apparently did not hold the same qualms, and so she had purchased a generic version of the gypsy girl and her would-be boyfriend Quasimodo.

   My daughter was appalled. Inside the box with her beloved Barbie was a monster who was trying to get her. The world was coming to an end. Panic ensued, the box launched across the living room (with much more force than she had been able to achieve at almost one) and there was no way to calm her. (Where was that damn bear from the year before, I ask you?)

   Quasi got an unceremonious burial in the trash can, and it took some time to convince my daughter that 'Barbie' was unscathed and did NOT in fact have monster cooties and would not call anymore hideous beasts to her.

   This was the same year my child received a 'singing' baby doll from her grandmother. My daughter, delighted by the new baby, began to hug it whereupon it began to sing (in a chorus of voices- really? A CHORUS? Seriously folks, does this baby have split personalities?) which naturally freaked her out and baby required emergency surgery to remove the Sybil box from inside its abdomen. It was a nightmare.

   So finally we get to Christmas #4. The child is nearly five, you would think that this time she would experience a holiday that didn't send her straight to the nearest psychiatric office, right? Yeah, yeah, you know the answer. Nobody likes a smarty pants.

   When the children were young, Santa used to take the extra measure of opening all the boxes and removing the eight billion twisty ties, plastic straps and miles of tape that a) would pose a choking hazard for small children, and b) would disallow said children the immediate enjoyment of their gift. Thank you Santa. It was a BRILLIANT idea- brilliant I say!

   Until…

   My daughter begins to open a sizeable gift (it was a Barbie car incidentally- Quasi had not managed to quash that passion). As she moved the box on her lap, the car- now freewheeling thanks to Santa's BRILLIANT scheme- rolls to one end. Repeat scene from year one and year three. Apocalypse!

   There is a monster inside that box- she knows it with every fiber of her being. Something hideously evil is just waiting inside to jump out and grab her. Something alive, like, say, a viper. Either way, she is having no part of it, uh uh, not now, not ever, no way, NO SIR.

   The only thing I can say is, Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus; and no, he's not out to get you.

When Customer Service Flies Out the Window a.k.a. The Great Cookie Debacle a.k.a The Battle of the Blossoms and How I Won a.k.a The Pants Predicament

   The other day I was revisiting an old story- The Great Cookie Debacle- with my husband. I seem to be stuck in reminiscing mode. Anyway, this was one of my all time favorite DTRJH? moments, so I thought I would share.

   It was my niece's birthday and her favorite cookie ever is something called the Peanut Butter Blossom. (It's a peanut butter cookie with a chocolate kiss centered on top.) We thought on our way out of town we would stop at the local cookie store in the mall which I shall call Blunders. Blunders is apparently famous for their Peanut Butter Blossoms, but not so much for their common sense.

   We had an hour's drive ahead of us so we were in a bit of a hurry when we rushed in- not that it mattered since it was nearing close on a Sunday and there were no lines. I was nervous as I scanned the case hoping to find the cookie to end all cookies (not necessarily for me as I hate peanut butter but my niece would argue the point so I thought I'd throw that in). There they were, in all their shining glory (okay, not shining, brown really, but brown glory just doesn't have the same ring to it), one full dozen- twelve, count them TWELVE- Blossoms- for my niece and her friends to savor (or fight over depending on how many were in attendance at the party).

   A young lady came to the register and said, "How may I help you?" in a chipper voice.

   Okay, really that's just me daydreaming. What really happened was a Brainless Employee came to the register and mumbled something indistinguishable that I could in no way understand, making it obvious that she had been pleasantly piddling away her time during her last-UGH- hour of her shift and I had interrupted, but I didn't care; I had cookies to buy.

   I told her what I needed and that's when this conversation commenced.

   BE: But I can't sell you all twelve.

   Me: Huh?

   BE:  I can't sell you all twelve.

   Me: Okay… (I'll bite) Why?

   BE: Because I'm not over eighteen.

   Now in Alice's Wonderland- a realm ruled completely by chaos- this might make sense- but as I had not fallen down a rabbit hole or stepped through a looking glass I was a bit confused.

   Me: What has your age got to do with anything?

   BE: Indiana state law doesn't allow me to work the ovens because I'm not eighteen, so I can't bake.

   Me: No problem. I wasn't asking you to bake- you got twelve- I want twelve. (Fork 'em over sister.)

   BE: But I can't sell everything that's in the case.

   Still not believing I am having this twisted argument when time's a tickin' away, I bravely persevered.

   Me: That's not everything in the case. Look there, you have sugar cookies and chocolate chip cookies and oatmeal cookies and even cookies that look like the Cookie Monster. I'm not buying those. Just the Peanut Butter Blossoms. Thank you. (I was still striving to be polite at this point even though I was starting to feel my own IQ points trickling away. I mean really, we were arguing about purchasing cookies INSIDE a cookie shop. Isn't that the purpose of a cookie shop? To SELL cookies? I wasn't asking for a lung transplant.)

   BE: No, I mean I can't sell all of one kind. That's our policy.

   Me: Uh huh. Well. Could you please explain that policy to me? I mean, you're here to make money right? And look- you're already halfway there- you have the customer, who has the money and you have the wares. All you have to do is bag the cookies and I will pay you and voila- feat accomplished!

   BE: I'm sorry, I can only sell you half.

   Me: What?!

   BE: That's our policy. We can only sell half of what's in the case so that the next customer can buy some too.

   Me: What if I'm the last customer tonight? What do you do with the other half of the cookies then? Do you sell them tomorrow? (Considering the 'Fresh Baked Cookies' sign as opposed to the 'Day Old Cookies Because We Are Blithering Idiots' sign, I doubted it.)

   BE: No, we throw them out.

   My head was spinning.

   Me: Have you ever heard the saying 'A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush?' 'Cause you're kind of banging on the bush looking for more and you've got one in your hand RIGHT NOW. You close in like an hour- chances are no one else is coming but me. Yet it's perfectly logical to you to hold on to six cookies you will throw away later rather than sell them FOR MONEY right now.

   BE: It's just our policy.

   Me: Policy Schmolicy. How do you guys make your rent?

   This brainiac was in HIGH SCHOOL. Yep, she's great at taking orders- talk about your lemmings committing mass suicide following all of the others into the sea. Pink Floyd had it right- these kids really are getting processed through a meat grinder- she was the proof of that. I think I even saw a little hamburger coming out of her ear.

   Nevertheless, this had now become a challenge. Brainless Employee had thrown down the cookie gauntlet and I was not one to pass it up. One way or another I was buying those cookies if it killed me in the process. I swear I was willing to go to jail for them. I was determined to get them for my niece yes, but at the same time I was determined to empty that damn case. IF IT KILLED ME. (Did I already mention that?)

Looking around I devised a plan. I was not alone on this mission. My two children and their father were with me. Instantly I started passing out cash.

   Me: Okay. I will buy six cookies. That leaves six- HALF of the cookies. He (I pointed at the childrens' father) will purchase three. Leaving HALF again, that's three cookies. (I knew math could NOT possibly be her strong suit.) Then, he (son) will buy - oh wait- do you round up or down?- never mind- he'll buy one and a half and my daughter will buy one and a half. Now you have two choices. Sell me twelve cookies all at once, or start ringing 'em up, 'cause if it takes all night halving cookies, then so be it. Those puppies are mine.

   She must have realized she was in a no win situation. Maybe most people wouldn't have waged an all out Blossom Battle, but she hadn't met me yet.

   Finally she gave in.

   BE: Fine, but if I get in trouble I'm telling my supervisor what you did.

   Me: Go right ahead. And tell her she's an idiot if she can't figure out how stupid her policy is.

   Honestly, what's better, a pretty case for the customers to look at, or a full cash drawer? For me, there is no debate. Take the money and run.

   Which brings me to my next customer service epic fail. This took place back when my son was still in high school. He had mentioned to me one morning that he needed new jeans- judging by the various holes he was sporting in the pair he was wearing at the time (holes not actually MEANT to be there- not some high dollar 'ripped' jeans- he actually wore them out) I told him to meet me at my work on my lunch hour.

   We took said lunch hour to run to a nearby store to purchase the jeans- and YIPPEE - they were ON SALE. Now my kids can tell you nothing makes my eyes light up more than a clearance rack. When I pinch a penny (which is always) it ends up flatter than any train could ever do. So we managed to purchase four pairs of jeans for the low, low price of $60, plus my 20% coupon making it $48 plus tax- WOOHOO. Momma's doin' a happy dance all the way to the register. Twelve bucks a pair for jeans- now we are talking!

   It wasn't until I got back to work and read my receipt that I realized I had been charged $96 plus tax- one of the pairs of jeans was over $60 (remember 20% came off the top)- WHAT? Now in my lifetime I have NEVER paid $60 for jeans (and God willing never will). Naturally I told my son to meet me back at the store after work- the very LAST thing I wanted to do.

   We arrived at the store and went back to Customer Service- a loose term that. Anyway, I dutifully waited in line with my little number- yes folks- we were taking numbers and standing in line. I was kind of hoping they might give me a half pound of smoked turkey- hey that's what my deli does… Finally my number came and I explained the problem to the woman behind the counter. She took the jeans I was returning and told me to head back into the store and find another pair and she would do the exchange.

   My son and I returned to the clearance racks whereupon closer inspection I discovered they had literally been positioned in a circle around another rack of jeans that were NOT on sale. We had found the $60 winner. I told him to look more carefully- AVOIDING the naughty rack- and eventually he found another pair.

   Back to Customer Service where one would assume we would not have to wait again- but naturally I was wrong. We took another number, stood in line another thirty minutes, and then met with the same woman who needed to be reminded who we were. (I suppose after an hour you do forget.) This was not the problem however. The problem was that she had misplaced the jeans that were to be exchanged.

   My patience was at an all time low- remember- second shopping trip in the same day and I had worked a very busy ten hour shift. I was tired. I was hungry. I wanted to go home.

   But, I bit my tongue and maintained a polite attitude, telling her, no problem, we'll wait while you find them.

   And that was when she accused us of 'trying to pull a fast one' and stealing the jeans.

   WHAT?!

   You could literally hear tires squealing as everything around us ground to a halt. Now everyone in the room had all eyes on her and us. My son and I stood there baffled, with our mouths hanging open.

   I tried to remind her she had taken the jeans- along with the bag and the receipt- before sending us back into the store.

   Her response was: "I don't know what you're trying to pull here, but it's not going to work. You had them with you when you left. It's not our policy to take the customer's merchandise."

   (I am SO sick of hearing the words, 'Our policy.')

   Eventually (still mid argument- and no I did NOT leap across the counter and throttle her although I REALLY, REALLY wanted to), her supervisor joined the melee. Stupid-visor- after hearing both sides including the insinuations the 'Customer Service Representative' was making- proceeded to back up her employee with the words- 'It's not our policy-'

   At this point I wanted to scream. I DID yell. Loudly. With much vehemence. And some spit.

   'I don't care what your policy is. I am telling you, she TOOK the jeans, AND the bag, AND the receipt, and I don't know what she did with them, and at this point I really don't care. Just give me the money I paid for the jeans and I promise you I will never darken your door again. I can NOT BELIEVE this is how you would treat a customer. Really? REALLY?! Accusing me of STEALING some stupid jeans? If I was going to STEAL them don't you think I'd be stealing the $60 ones and not the $12 ones? HOW can I STEAL something I'VE ALREADY PAID FOR?!'

   At this point I think the Stupid-visor realized things had spiraled too far out of control- I'm half convinced someone had already placed a call to 911. However, the Stupid-visor began looking around and DID find a bag (buried under a bunch of crap the CSR was folding and hanging) sitting on the BACK counter about ten feet away from the customer service counter.

   Stupid-visor was feeling rather sheepish when she presented it to me and asked if this was my merchandise. Which of course it was.

   'Yeah, I'm a pretty damn clever shoplifter- I hid the merchandise out of MY reach.'

   She then dismissed the CSR, performed the exchange, and attempted a weak apology.

   And she never so much as offered me that half pound of smoked turkey.

Disclaimer a.k.a. Jenga Trash a.k.a. Bowl Roll Lament a.k.a. The Doo-doo Dilemma

   Disclaimer: Fair warning- this is a rant. All names have been removed to protect the not so innocent. If you think any of this applies to you, it probably does. If you are one of my children- at one time most of this DID apply to you so just because you do or do not do these things now means NOTHING- you no longer live with me so the fact that you are now housebroken benefits me in no way. These are the things that drive my husband and myself completely crazy and will no doubt lead to our long confinement in a nuthouse somewhere where we will sit and rock and babble nonsense to ourselves. End of disclaimer.

   I don't know what it is in my house, but please tell me this is happening everywhere and I am not stuck in some kind of Trash Can Bermuda Triangle, because for some reason in my home, the taking out of the trash is equivalent to asking someone to perform brain surgery: they avoid it because it is far too complicated and it must require some kind of special training.

   Inevitably whenever I enter the kitchen I find trash practically spewing from the can. I have actually watched as some people (who for the sake of maintaining a peaceful atmosphere in the home shall remain nameless) add trash to the already full can like they are playing Jenga.  Oh look, the soda can will fit just here and if I fold this paper plate into a teeny weeny, itsy bitsy, tiny little rectangle ala the Jetson's car, I can jam it into that millimeter of open space just so. Ta da!!

   Five minutes later (the approximate time it would take to pull the bag and add a new one) the trash is lurking in the can waiting for the next poor schmuck (if you're not paying attention- that would be me- resident schmuck) to try and pull the bag, whereupon countless objects rain down around said schmuck's feet.

   Of course that's not the only thing, there's always the bowl roll lament. Toilet paper: it is the bane of my existence.

   I ask you, how HARD is it to change a roll of toilet paper? I live with people that can categorize every last component of an engine and tell you how it works and what it does. They can take it apart and put it back together again. They can run wire, repair plumbing, and carpent with the best of them. (Carpent- what carpenters do- I know it's not a word- deal with it.)They have power tools I've never heard of which require some pretty extensive maintenance. They have jigsaws (not the puzzle), chain saws and weed-eaters out the ying yang. (If you've ever added a spool of wire to a weed-eater you know what a pain that is. I'd rather buy a new one.) They watch hours of Cool Tools and How It's Made (which by the way is enough to put you into a coma) and comprehend higher mathematics and actually enjoy them (really??). They watch science shows and understand quantum physics and time space continuum crap that gives me a headache just hearing the words. Yet they can't handle the bowl roll?

   It's a simple two step process people (one that does not require a degree in engineering, I might add).

   Step one- Take off empty roll. Step two- Replace with new roll. Not hard.

   Then go find some tiny corner in the overflowing trash can to stuff it, would you?

   Now I understand the little springy thing can be challenging, (you could put an eye out with that thing if you're not careful), but sincerely, if you can work a cable remote, you can handle the toilet paper roll. Because if there's one thing I want 'On Demand' it's toilet paper. I'm a girl, I use it A LOT. I almost don't even care if you neglect to put the seat down, I can work that out just fine. But I hate, loathe and despise being trapped on the toilet calling for help and waiting for someone to a) hear me and b) take enough pity to toss me a roll. And if I'm home alone, oh boy are you gonna hear about it later. (As well as everyone else since it's in my blog…)

   A more recent thing has been what I like to call Tidbit Tossing. There are people in my home who do not like to take the last of anything. For that reason there will be one spoonful of whatever kind of food (mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, single slice of bread, half a cinnamon roll, tadpoles on toast-whatever- it doesn't matter what it is). Now naturally what's left behind isn’t enough to feed a two year old on a hunger strike, but Lord knows, we can't touch it. Not until it starts to turn an unnatural color. Then the tidbit gets tossed into the trash can-score two for the trash can- it's quickly becoming public enemy number one in my house.

   And don't even get me started on the dishwasher. Unloading it is completely out of the question, because the Men in Black have visited my home with their little memory erasing flashy thing. I know this because the same people who removed the dishes from the cupboards have suddenly had their memory banks erased and cannot possibly recall from whence they came. As far as loading it, that is also out of the question because although they excel at Jenga trash, they are incapable of finding a hole to poke a dirty dish in. They also are baffled by the load requirements- aka glasses on top, plates and pans on the bottom. Even matching them up with what is already inside is too much of a strain.

   As if the humans aren't bad enough, then there are the dogs.  These two nitwits can handle life just fine if I go out the back door and leave them inside- which makes no sense because that's where their leashes are therefore they spend a lot of time back there; you would think they would feel compelled to join me. But no, if I go out back they sit at the door and watch me quite interestedly, cocking their heads this way and that, but there is no massive freak out.  On the other hand, if I go out the front door I better look like getting in my car and driving away, because anything else out front is completely against the rules. There will be no gardening, mowing, sitting, skating, walking, whatever. I know this because whenever I dare an infraction of these rules (rules the dogs set, not me), the dogs go NUTS.

   They will race around the house like the demons of hell are chasing them, darting from window to window, barking like wild animals and tearing up everything in their paths. I come inside the house to find the comforter and pillows off my bed and on the floor, the couch pillows in the middle of the living room, the drapes opened and/or dismantled in every room of the house, and two nitwits sitting politely in the midst of this tornadic destruction, greeting me at the door with their tails thumping and their tongues hanging out of their mouths. Hey ma, watcha been doin'? We missed you.

   I can see that.

   And then there's the doo-doo dilemma. For some reason the dogs think that the back yard is their own personal bathroom (maybe because it is, but I don't care, just go with me on this one). It's like a magic trick; every time I pluck up poo, three more appear. No sooner than I discharge the doo-doo that they do do so well (nice alliteration there right? I am all about alliteration- there see? I did it again- accolades for alliteration- okay moving on), then they feel the need to let fly with some more. I've seen these two eat- I feed them for crying out loud- there is NO way they eat THAT much. And yet they can manufacture manure at a rate that would put any politician to shame.

   Okay, rant over. Time to go empty the trash, load the dishwasher, and change the roll…

The Dradon Project

   The Dradon Project has finally been published! This book ('epic novel' according to Smashwords- of course they are referring to the length; still I like it- 'epic' makes me happy) has haunted me for some time; I originally started it about five years ago and then gave it up because 'life got in the way.' And then two years ago I got injured and was put on medical leave for several months. During that time I didn't know what to do with myself and so my husband began urging me to get back to writing.

   I remember saying, "Well there was this one project I was piddling around with….  But that was a long time ago and I don't even have very much more than an outline." I didn't even have a title. I knew it was a 'project,' but I didn't know it was the 'Dradon' project.

   "Unless you got something better to do…" was his response; and considering at the time I was in screaming pain twenty-four hours a day and couldn't even turn my head, the answer was, "Nope. No. Not really. Hmmm…"

   And so the project was reborn.

   With so many of my books, the story seems to tell itself and The Dradon Project was no exception. Often I found myself waking up in the middle of the night going, "Oh!!! So that's what happened- as if one of the characters suddenly stepped out of the story and whispered some bit of information in my ear while I slept.

   Sounds crazy I know (but those of you who know me, already know that I crossed the bridge into Crazy Town a LONG time ago…). But that's what was happening- the book was urging me almost as much as my husband was.

   And so I worked on it. And worked on it. And worked on it.

   Normally I carry some kind of notebook around with me everywhere I go because I never know when an idea will hit me and I have to jot it down because I am getting OLD and I forget…

   What was I talking about?

   See what I mean?

   Oh yeah.

   Anyway; normally when writing a book, I will use one or two notebooks- three tops- to record various bits of information, or notes on any research I might have done. In the case of The Dradon Project, I have used ten- count them TEN- notebooks for all the information I had to keep track of. And that's not even including all the mini-notebooks and post-it notes that were randomly stuck EVERYWHERE. I think I was even sticking them to myself at one point.

   In short (too late I know), what I am saying to you is that this has been by far the greatest undertaking I have ever attempted in regards to my writing. I juggled so much information and so many characters that I often found myself with a migraine trying to keep it all straight. But I believe I have succeeded (thanks very much to my editor in chief H.V.!!) and I hope you will all enjoy it. There will be a sequel (H. V. is already hounding me on that), but after such a massive project I am currently taking a break and working on something a little less heavy for a minute. Already though, the next book is plaguing my mind (unlike its predecessor, it already has a title) and I have about half a notebook's worth of notes- I can't get away from my brain.

   The Dradon Project is currently only available on Smashwords but will become available to other venues such as B&N, Apple Store and Amazon in about three weeks; naturally I will let everyone know when that happens. I also published another short story (more of a long essay I suppose, rather than a short story) about two weeks ago that I didn't announce and it has been surprisingly popular- it's flying off the cyber-shelf!

   Thanks again to everyone for all their support- I really DO appreciate it! The e-mails, FB messages, and encouraging words I have received not only from the blog, but also from my previous short stories have been heartwarming. The overwhelming responses from Losing Myself, But Not Entirely (the only piece of non-fiction I've ever written) actually brought me to tears! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I can never say it enough! It is my greatest joy when someone tells me that my blog made them laugh, or that they really enjoyed one of my stories- I am blessed!

Gilda's Locket -Free

Losing Myself But Not Entirely  -Free

The View from the Top -Free

The Dradon Project - $0.99