This particular Did this really just happen? moment is one I am sure everyone can relate to. There was a time that the only automated voice you could expect to hear on the other side of a phone call was the time and temperature lady. Now, everything you call is automated. Having suffered the frustration more than once myself, I can say I understand the pain. The particular call I am about to relate was by far the worst/best example (depending on how you look at it) I have ever witnessed.
Recently, I was privy to this call:
Senior Citizen: Three attempts at dialing the correct number and then success! at last.
Disembodied Voice: Welcome! greeting, followed by list of options and a notification to speak your answers clearly.
SC: Three.
DV: Welcome to the information center. First, in order to access your information, I will need to ask you some questions in order to verify your identity. You may speak your answers. May I have your FIRST name.
SC: Senior.
DV: I will- I'm sorry. I didn't get that. Welcome to the information center. First, in order to access your information, I will need to ask you some questions in order to verify your identity. You may speak your answers. May I have your FIRST name. I will-
SC: SENIOR.
DV: I'm sorry. I didn't get that. Welcome to the information center. First-
SC: Indistinguishable mutters and curses. (As you can see, this is already going rapidly down hill.)
DV: May I have your FIRST name. I will need you to speak your name clearly and then spell it. For example-
SC: Senior. S-e-
DV: I'm sorry. I didn't get that. Welcome to the-
SC: Veins are beginning to bulge on the sides of his temples, a sheen of sweat is forming over his brow, and he is searching through his meds for a nerve pill.
DV: I will need you to speak your name clearly and then spell it. For example: if your name is John, you would say, 'John, J-o-h-n.' You may begin now.
SC: Having finally caught on, he is waiting to see if there is anything more before he speaks.
DV: I'm sorry. I didn't get that. You must first speak your name clearly and then spell it. For example: if your name is Irene, you would say, 'Irene, I-r-e-n-e.' You may begin now.
(Yes, she gave different examples each time, way to invest the tax payer's money.)
SC: Senior. S-e-n-i-o-r.
DV: I heard, 'Senior, S-e-n-i-o-r.' Is that right?
SC: Yes.
DV: I'm sorry. I didn't get that. I heard, 'Senior, S-e-n-i-o-r.' Is that right?
SC: YES!
DV: Okay, Senior. Now I will need you to speak your LAST name and then spell it. For example-
SC: Citizen. C-i-t-i-z-e-n.
DV: If your- I'm sorry. I didn't get that.
SC: More cursing.
DV: Now I will need you to speak your LAST name and then spell it. For example, if your last name is Barrett, you would say, 'Barrett. B-a-r-r-e-t-t.' You may begin now.
(Does anyone REALLY NEED an example of how to spell their own name???)
CS: Citizen. C-i-t-i-z-e-n.
DV: I heard, Cititen, C-i-t-i-t-e-n. Is that right?
CS: No.
DV: I'm sorry. Let's try this again. You must speak your LAST name and then spell it-
(At this point I am starting to feel his aneurism. He is more than ten minutes into the phone call, and thanks to Miss Gabby-pants Auto-speak, he hasn't even gotten his name out yet.)
DV: You may begin now.
CS: Citizen. C-i-t-i-Z-e-n.
(Thank God his name isn't Ptolemy..... we'd be here until the next century.)
DV: I heard, 'Citizen, C-i-t-i-z-e-n.' Is that right?
CS: Yes.
DV: All right. We are halfway there.
(Halfway? You have a NAME and we are HALF way? Really??? You won't be asking much then will you?)
DV: Next, I will need your Social Security number. You may speak or dial the number in. You may begin now.
CS: Smartly chose the second option.
DV: All right. I have found you in our database. I will need to ask you a security question in order to verify your identity. You may speak the answer. What is your mother's maiden name? That means-
CS: Doe.
DV: I'm sorry. I didn't get that. Let me return you to the main menu.
CS: NO, NO, NO!!!
(Apparently, there is a three strike rule. And he was outta there!)
CS: DISTINGUISHABLE cursing.
DV: Welcome, greeting, options list.
CS: Three.
(He's starting to sound a little weaker now. I think she broke him.)
DV: Blah, blah, blah, first name.
CS: (Very cautiously playing by the rules, he's already had his knuckles cracked once by the ruler toting nun of an automated voice.) Senior, S-e-n-i-o-r.
DV: (Sounding happier, bubbly even. I know it's a robot, but I would swear she is thrilled to have him so cowed.) Blah, blah, blah, last name.
CS: (Still not taking any chances.) Citizen. C-i-t-i-z-e-n.
DV: Blah, blah, blah. What is your mother's maiden name? That means the name she had BEFORE she was married.
(REALLY? I did NOT know that. These examples are soooo helpful. I have to send them an e-mail and tell them to keep up the good work!)
DV: For example: if her name was Martin, you would say, 'Martin. M-a-r-t-i-n.' You may begin now.
CS: (Pause. Waiting. Okay, jumping in with both feet.) Doe. D-o-e.
DV: I heard, 'Doe, D-o-e.' Is that right?
CS: Yes. Yes, thank God, YES!
DV: All right, now we have accessed your vital information, let's begin. What can I do for you today?
(Let's begin? BEGIN??)
CS: I've forgotten why I called.
DV: Do you want the main menu?
(I know it's a robot, I KNOW, but I SWEAR, it was a threat akin to, 'Do you want to go to your room without dinner, mister?')
CS: No, no, dear God, for the love of all that is holy and good, NOOOOOOOO!!
DV: All right. What can I do for you today?
CS: Change of address.
DV: All right. First I will need to verify your old address.
(Let me just break in here to point out that at this point Senior had already invested more than twenty minutes into this phone call, the sole purpose of which was to change his address. He was now beginning to realize that it would have been simpler to fly to his old home and get his mail.)
CS: verifies old address, which surprisingly went very well
DV: All right. Now, I will need you to speak your new address. Blah, blah, blah, you may begin now.
(Again I must break in to tell you that in Indiana many addresses are directional. We have the distinct misfortune of having one of these.)
CS: 123 West, 456 South.
DV: I heard, '123 West Union Street Suite B?' Is that right?
CS: No.
DV: Okay. Let's try again. Blah, blah, blah, you may begin now.
CS: 123 West, 456 South.
DV: I heard, '123 West Union Street Suite B.' Is that right?
CS: NO.
DV: Okay. Let's try again. Blah, blah, blah, you may begin now.
CS: 123 W, 456 S. (Which is how it is printed for mailing purposes, a last ditch effort on his part. It didn't work.)
DV: I'm sorry. I don't understand you. Please return to the main menu. Pause. Welcome.
CS: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
(Not sure which one of us stroked out there, but after some time we realized there was a dial tone coming from his phone.) Senior popped a few nerve pills, beat his head into the end table repeatedly, then sat babbling in a corner. I joined him.
My husband, my knight in shining armor, rode to the rescue. Within seconds he had hopped online, and with the flourish of the mouse and a couple of clicks, he had changed the address. It took about one and a half minutes. Not even once was he sent back to the main menu.
Here's a BIG (y) Potty-con to you hubby, you earned it!!
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