Monday, January 7, 2013

How to Prepare for an Apocalypse

   I apologize for the unannounced break in blogging, but as there was an apocalypse looming, I hadn't really anticipated the need for a blog. Besides, I was busy preparing for said apocalypse.

   How do you prepare for an apocalypse, you ask?

   Good question! And lucky for you, it is one I am prepared to answer, having recently acquired some experience in the matter.

   Preparing for an apocalypse is only slightly different than preparing for any other emergency, for example, a "Weather Event." (This is the coined term the local news uses to reference such things as blizzards/tornadoes/hurricanes, because in today's world the usage of such shocking terms as 'catastrophes' is just not PC.) Anyway, preparing for a "Weather Event" is pretty self-explanatory, isn't it? It simply means being equipped to handle any emergency should the power go out for an extended period of time and/or the roads be closed by the local law enforcement. There are only a few simple steps one needs to remember.

   Step One: Make a foray into the nearest grocery store. Be prepared to battle your way through throngs thicker than any Black Friday crowd, with a lot less to lose. Wear comfy clothing that allows for greater flexibility-think sweats, although a cat-suit at this time is not necessarily inappropriate. We're not going for fashion forward here people- we want the ability to maneuver. Besides, it's the end of the world- who cares what you look like? You will find yourself weaving up and down the aisles, pressed between close quarters, ducking and crawling, and honestly, dive-rolling is not completely out of the question- skinny jeans are NOT an option. It's like Mission Impossible on steroids out there and you've got to be ready!

   Stock up on canned goods, (don’t forget the manual can-opener as the electronic gadget you've got at home won’t do you much good and you don't want to find yourself opening the pork and beans with a claw hammer). Get milk, bread, coffee, toilet paper, first aid kits and any other necessity that occurs to you. Don’t allow yourself to be denied by empty shelves, there are plenty of grocery carts lurking around every corner stuffed to the hilt with said supplies and a simple diversion such as, "Hey, what's that over there? Is that Johnny Depp perusing the pork chops?" should allow you enough time to snatch whatever is needed and make your escape. All's fair in love and grocery shopping. Especially "Weather Event" grocery shopping. You can never stoop too low when it comes to self-preservation.

   Step Two: Once you have collected all your supplies, by fair means or foul, (don't forget the cocoa- NO mini-marshmallows please!), return home and squirrel away your findings. You should have two stashes. The first is the one which you will show and share with your neighbors should they have failed to prepare (shame on them- they should have read all about the grasshopper and the ants, and if they haven't that's their own tough luck- and if you haven't- shame on you too! just saying). The second stash, the more important one, (this is the one which includes such necessities as cookies, coffee, cocoa, and chocolate- any apocalypse without chocolate is just not worth surviving), needs to be well hidden. This is the stash which you will keep secreted in the event of a full blown emergency and share with NO ONE. Not even your own mother. You might even consider hiding it from your children. Hey, these kids play enough real-world video games; if they haven't learned to fend for themselves by now then consider this a life lesson. They'll be better prepared next time.

   Step Three: Finish up by filling copious bottles of water (split between the two stashes) and collecting batteries, flashlights, radios, blankets and candles.

   Done, done, and done.

   Simple really.

   But alas, this is not a "Weather Event," it is the: 'End of the World' (dum dum duuuuuummmm!) No need for any of the above- all of this has been collected to no avail. I mean, the 'End of the World.' Everything comes to a stop. It is terminated. Halted. Finished. Ceased and desisted. No need for anything. Ever. Again.

   Damn. Now what?

   I decided, (in the interest of me), to put my own PC spin on it, making it an 'End of the World Event.' Sounds so much more pleasant now, doesn't it? Think of this not as an 'Apocalypse', but rather, a pause in the action; not the 'end' of the Mayan calendar, but more of a 'changing of the guard,' as it were. Let's be real, we switched to the Gregorian calendar some time ago, because apparently the Mayan civilization wasn't nearly as intellectually gifted as the pope; so it only stands to reason that if good old Greg hadn't foreseen the 'End of the World,' (dum dum duuuuummmmm!) it wasn't likely to be THE apocalypse. Right? Of course, right!

   And so I determined that this 'end of the Mayan calendar' nonsense would indeed be an apocalypse of the zombie type (because as I may have mentioned before, anything else would just be disappointing) and now we got something going on. 'Cause everybody knows the Zombie Apocalypse is more of a long, drawn out affair. No, CRASH, BANG, BOOM, 'End of the World' (dum dum duuuummmm!) here. More of a dramatic lingering of things slowly coming to an end.

   (You doubt me? Watch AMC.)

   SO, now I'm back in business. Everything I've collected thus far comes back into play, plus then, there's the need for zombie-type weapons. Coolness abounds! I once more had someplace to focus my attention.

   So what does one do to prepare for a 'Zombie Apocalypse Event?' Steps one through three still entirely hold their merit, though maybe with a little more desperate intent, because you're not preparing for a short measure, but rather a long term event, and while the raiding of local homes and businesses does hold its own merit, it also increases the danger of running into zombies and there's something creepy about taking out your seventy-five year old zombie neighbor who you used to talk over the fence with.

   After completing the first three steps to your complete satisfaction, you must move on to Step Four.

   The amassing of zombie-type weapons. Yeah, guns are great and they do sell those 'Zombie Bullets,' but as everyone knows, noise draws hordes of shambling masses, so let's do this thing quietly whenever possible. Among the weapons you will need: baseball bats (preferably with as many nails driven into them as you can possibly manage), hatchets, axes, swords: think melee weapons of any type. This, of course, does require a lot of gore. Something I'm not equipped to handle. The more I consider it, the more disturbed I become. And I realize, much to my consternation, I am NOT prepared for the 'Zombie Apocalypse Event.'

   And then December 21st came and went. The Mayan calendar ended; the world did not. I breathed a sigh of relief. I did not have to prepare! I thanked the heavens and all its glories and went about my business a more confident being. I was saved.

   At least until the next apocalypse.
  
   And then, maybe I'll just stay locked up in my basement with my coffee and chocolate and wait the thing out.

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